The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—In an unprecedented development, an attending physician at a local hospital was arrested and charged with impersonating a doctor earlier this week. The woman, Dr. Faye Kerr, was reportedly taken into custody following a recent investigation into what detectives characterized as “suspicious medical activities,” including knowing the full spectrum of coverage for all anti-pseudomonal antibiotics and being able to hear previously undiagnosed heart murmurs on her first attempt. 

“People will believe anything if you say it with enough confidence,” Kerr said, according to leaked police interrogation transcripts. “It worked for me throughout med school and residency—why stop now?” 

“We’re proud to announce that we’ve taken another dangerous criminal off the streets. No amount of pretending can replace meaningless Anki grinding and endless practice questions, and Dr. Kerr was putting the lives of her patients at risk,” a police spokesperson said.  

Meanwhile, Kerr’s attorneys responded with the following statement: “We are shocked and appalled at Dr. Kerr’s arrest. From our understanding, ‘P equals MD,’ and Dr. Kerr’s medical knowledge was more than sufficient to fool legions of professors, administrators, and patients throughout her career. These superfluous charges are tantamount to harassment, and we look forward to having our day in court.”  

Police investigators, following a raucous celebration at a nearby Irish pub, were last seen plotting the arrest of a local researcher for administering placebo as part of a clinical trial. Dr. Kerr’s trial is set for four months after the heat death of the universe, and she is currently under house arrest on $500,000 bail.