NEW YORK, NY—A prominent group of urologists has sparked a panic in the medical community following the revelation that a large, spherical object is set to drop from the sky in Times Square at the world’s least climactic event later this month. In a public statement, the group, led by Dr. Milo Ball, expressed grave concerns regarding not only the sheer scale of the object, but also the unusual nature of its descent.
“The ball, which is over 12 feet in diameter and weighs 6 tons, is slated to fall at a disturbingly slow 1.2 feet per second,” the statement read.
“This is occurring in front of millions of people standing in sub-freezing temperatures for hours waiting for something—anything—to happen. My two-year-old could pass a kidney stone faster than that!”
The group recommends several potential “surgical interventions” to improve the event. “Given our specific area of expertise, we suggest not only increasing the size of the ball, but also significantly accelerating the drop,” the statement continued. “We also suggest adding passenger seating to the sides or more explosions and pyrotechnics at the finish. Those last two always tend to liven up the atmosphere in the operating rooms, and would certainly bring excitement to those watching the urinary—er, live—stream at home.”
Sources close to the planning committee confirmed the object remains set to drop with no planned changes on New Years Eve. In the meantime, Dr. Ball could not be reached for further comment prior to press time; he was last seen drafting a formal recommendation to Disney on how to “properly engorge” Epcot’s Spaceship Earth.
The Humerus Daily 
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