The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—A local satire newspaper announced their intent to finally do some good in the world earlier this year, launching an initiative designed to raise money to fight childhood bone cancer. The editorial board of The Humerus Daily, comprised of three chimpanzees in a trench coat, released a statement through a spokesperson last month describing the new campaign. In it, they revealed that their motivations were, unsurprisingly, not entirely altruistic.

“We decided our readers need to take us more seriously,” the statement read in part. “So, we thought that if rags like Nature and JAMA and The New England Journal of Medicine could have an impact factor, why couldn’t we? The problem is, our accountants informed us that applying for one is free, and is a bad excuse to ask for money, even if we really like it when people give us money.”

After entering into a fit of rage and throwing unripe bananas around the room, the editorial board then decided to begin a fundraising campaign, wherein the proceeds would be dedicated towards the absent costs of paying for their obnoxious goal to fake legitimacy. Leftover proceeds, which would be all money donated, would then be given to Alex’s Lemonade Stand, an organization dedicated to childhood cancer research, including research into Ewing Sarcoma, which the board felt was in line with its goals of advocating for healthy funny bones everywhere.

Events as part of the campaign, according to the spokesperson, are set to be held throughout the academic year, with more details to come as they approach. “Ultimately,” the spokesperson added, “our goal is to be more than something people read to pass the time while on the toilet. It’s also to be used as a bullet point on job applications, which will look a lot cooler if we have an impact factor with an associated charity campaign.”