The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—In a stunning announcement that shook the entertainment industry to its core this past Thursday, Ticketmaster and Xfinity finalized a merger that will bring the live event giant and cable titan under one umbrella. Spokespeople for both companies revealed their plans to provide even less customer satisfaction following the merger. 

“The days of limited presales where eighty thousand Swifties crash the website by all logging on at once so nobody gets a ticket are in the past. To maximize customer inconvenience, we’ll be adopting Xfinity’s model, giving ticket buyers a rough two-hour window during the workday to ‘purchase a ticket.’ Said window will then expire without anyone ever having sent the email allowing the buyer to purchase,” one Ticketmaster spokesman said. 

Agreeing with her counterpart, an Xfinity spokeswoman added, “We also plan to implement surge pricing to our cable subscription bundles, with a fifty percent convenience fee tacked on for the convenience of paying into the new model. As a reward for customer loyalty, if anyone pays the convenience fees every month for a year, they will automatically get a ‘free upgrade’ to our platinum bundle, where the fees increase to seventy-five percent and the network speeds drop. We will also send a repairman to come to your house and spit in your face, free of charge.” 

The deal is set to become official after the two companies’ CEOs perform the Dragon Ball fusion dance on the first of the month. Outraged customers, meanwhile, were found waiting over eight hours on hold. Legend has it they’re still holding on. When asked for comment, representatives from Ticketmaster and Xfinity responded that the eternal wait times were “a feature, not a bug.”