The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—After removing all photos, videos, and applications, a local resident has resorted to ancient rituals to try to free up enough space to update her iPhone to the latest iOS. 

Anita Maikacall’s 128GB iPhone SE has been stuck on iOS 15 since she bought the device in 2021. “I purchased cloud storage to offload all the pictures and videos from my phone, removed all non-essential apps, and deleted all the downloaded podcasts that, for some reason, keep redownloading.” Although her phone no longer has any personal touches—even the cute dog on her lockscreen is an un-erasable built-in stock photo—it still lacks the storage required to download the latest operating system. “I am honestly not sure what is still taking up the space,” Maikacall stated after showing The Humerus Daily her screen displaying the iPhone Storage settings. While the display typically shows a rainbow of color bars explaining what is occupying space, Maikacall’s storage usage instead shows as redacted. 

“The ‘genius’ at the Apple store wasn’t able to figure it out either,” explained Maikacall, “when they plugged in my phone for diagnostics, their computer started smoking and they asked me to leave.” She reached out to a local satanic sect to help with an exorcism, believing the phone was full of ancient spirits. Maikacall stated that the earliest appointment she could get is in one week from the publication date of this article, and she looks forward to finally being able to tag texts with virtual stickers of hot dogs, experience Bluetooth connection dropout, and even shorter battery life—just like her friends. 

Apple representatives were unavailable for comment on this story, as they were too busy plotting out how to design an even larger and more obnoxious camera for the upcoming iPhone.