The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—A local hospitalist was discovered practicing medicine in slow motion, according to performance metrics leaked anonymously this past weekend from a community hospital. The doctor, later identified as Dr. Lois T. Speed, has since come under fire for her behaviors during rounds, which include presenting elaborate PowerPoint slides at bedside to teach students about the patients’ conditions, moonwalking between patient rooms, and taking long, dramatic pauses to stroke her chin while working on patient diagnoses. 

One student who rotated under Dr. Speed was quoted as saying, “One time I fell asleep during morning rounds and woke up while we were still in the same room. I couldn’t believe my luck!” 

“We’re currently working with the physician in question on speeding up their clinical practice to make us more money—er, boost patient outcomes. We will not be commenting further on the matter as it is an ongoing investigation,” a representative of the hospital said. 

Meanwhile, our own investigation of Dr. Speed’s metrics tell a more complicated story. Indeed, in addition to having the lowest rate of patients seen per hour, she also had the highest patient satisfaction scores across not only her department, but the entire hospital system. Furthermore, she also demonstrated the lowest rates of readmission and all-cause mortality after one year. The hospital declined to comment on these additional findings, and Dr. Speed did not respond to a request for comment in time for publication.