The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—As RSV and Influenza season has entered “flu” swing, we at The Humerus Daily have been asking your average Joe and plain Jane on the streets how they’ve been keeping warm and healthy. Little did we know, we’d encounter a local hospital administrator, coughing at everyone around them like it’s Florida during the mask mandate. 

When we approached Mr. John Patrick S. Quire, he introduced himself as Chief Financial Officer at Unified Medical-Care Ltd. “I strive for excellent patient care and my staff’s safety and well-being above all else. So, tell me, docs: how can I do my job when my cough velocity simply does not produce? I am not meeting quota and that means RVUs are not being fulfilled.” When we tried to explain the meaning of a “productive cough” and its potentially morbid implications, he stopped us, explaining that he hadn’t yet reached his Pomodoro break and had to continue coughing to “produce for the sake of the shareholders.”  

Later that afternoon, as we continued interviewing passersby a few blocks away from our fateful meeting with Mr. Quire, he called my personal number, asserting, “The hospital retains the rights to all personal information,” and that we were violating a “non-compete by interviewing patients over a mile away from the hospital.”  

Will Mr. Quire’s cough ever be productive? Will anyone think of the billionaires? Why are we ending a news article with a series of rhetorical questions? Find out in the next article from The Humerus Daily. Maybe.