The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Last month, Thomas Jefferson University announced it would be acquiring a new hospital in Mordor, Middle Earth. After the recent additions of Jefferson Einstein and Jefferson Edison, the move to acquire Mordor signals a break from only buying hospitals named after famous scientists —though the desolate aesthetic of the Middle Earth region is reportedly “on brand.” 

THD was able to obtain an interview with Dr. Riggo Mortensen, a Foot and Ankle fellow at Rothman. “After I graduate, I’m trying to get an attending job at the new hospital. I hear they’re building a center specializing entirely in treating broken toes, something I’m very passionate about.” One of his co-residents, who opted to remain anonymous, said that everyone else was tired of hearing about Dr. Mortensen’s broken toes. 

In addition, we spoke to several medical students to obtain their perspective on the new hospital. 

“I just had my first day, and the faculty grade harshly. One of the older attendings explicitly told me that I would not pass,” one student said.   

Furthermore, some students have expressed concerns about the long commute. “Mordor is the second furthest rotation site from Jefferson’s Center City campus,” student doctor Baggins said. “Getting there and back again is such a pain.” 

A third student, who wished to remain anonymous, agreed with his colleague, adding, “My time is precious. Nobody comes between me and my precious.” 

To address these concerns, Jefferson has partnered with the Philadelphia football team to offer students transportation. “One nice thing about the rotation is that we can ride on the Eagles team jet on the way back from Mordor. But we can’t ride them on the way there in the morning,” a student said, “I don’t know why the Eagles can’t just fly us to Mordor.”