BOSTON, MA—In a stunning revelation, Dr. Frank Steiner, a part-time pathologist and full-time recluse based out of a decrepit basement beneath some probably-haunted hospital, announced through an associate that he has discovered the secret to everlasting life this past Tuesday. The concoction, according to the one extrovert that managed to break through to Dr. Steiner, consists of a proprietary mixture of aspirin, semaglutide, and eye of newt, and comes as the result of decades of study on electrophysiology and ancient runes.
“Dr. Steiner is delighted to have unlocked the path to eternal vitality, and looks forward to sharing this gift with the world, especially the board of directors at the hospital who funded his research. His heart, however, continues to ache due to the chronic, all-encompassing void in his left atrium, and he will not be taking any questions at this time,” the associate said in a press conference.
According to sources, Dr. Steiner plans to celebrate his discovery with a vacation to a damp, moldy corner of a forbidden cave. Upon his return, he plans to develop a mind-reading serum.
Dr. Steiner, naturally, could not be reached for comment. His immortality potion is currently under review for patent, and is expected to enter phase 3 clinical trials by 2026.
The Humerus Daily 
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