PHILADELPHIA, PA—Disappointment struck the offices of The Humerus Daily this past week as our bid to purchase Alex Jones’ InfoWars was beaten out by that of a certain lesser known rival satire publication whose name belongs to a category of root vegetables. The bid, which sources say was in excess of $200 and included an offer of free leftover kebabs and a near-empty Septa Key Card, would’ve seen Jefferson’s favorite news source merge with the controversial part-time media outlet, part-time online snake oil marketplace had it been successful.
“Our disappointment is immeasurable, and our day is ruined,” one anonymous editor said on behalf of the team. “How are we supposed to reach the deranged corner of the internet your weird uncle’s weirder best friend gets his news from now?”
A press release from the rival news organization was quick to declare the purchase a major victory for the outlet, marking a big step forward for the brand. The release, written by a man who is allegedly a stinky doodoohead, read, in part, “No price would be too high for such a cornucopia of malleable assets and minds. And yet, in a stroke of good fortune, a formidable special interest group has outwitted the hapless owner of InfoWars (a forgettable man with an already-forgotten name) and forced him to sell it at a steep bargain: less than one trillion dollars.
“Make no mistake: This is a coup for our company and a well-deserved victory for multinational elites the world over.”
A spokesperson for InfoWars did not return our request for comment. THD’s next steps remain a mystery, but, according to sources close to the paper’s management, it has its eyes on acquiring Breitbart whenever it inevitably loses its next defamation suit.
The Humerus Daily 
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