The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA — Leaked internal documents recently revealed that a local university hospital has been researching and experimenting with reanimation of small animals and imbuing life into everyday objects. The school’s administration denies any wrongdoing. 

A set of internal documents and emails leaked to The Humerus Daily shows that Thomas Jefferson University Hospital has been experimenting with reanimation. This leak comes just weeks ahead of the secret announcement planned for the 22^nd annual Jefferson Gala on November 21, 2024. While this may not be the only big reveal during the bicentennial celebration, it is a major announcement in both modern medicine and sorcery alike.  

Shocking emails between an anonymous group of administrators show the true reason for the long-term closure of the JRFC pool was because the facility was in use storing the lifeforce siphoned from the University’s student population. As the student population grew, the university was ill-equipped to handle so much essence and needed alternative storage solutions. Once enough students pushed to reopen the pool, the researchers attempted to store pieces of student souls into various office supplies.  

Following their successful implantations, records show they moved on to animal trials, using small mice and bugs found in the hallways, labs, and lecture halls of the school. Leaked recordings also detail researchers from the biology department reciting Latin incantations and repeating “Double double, toil and trouble; fire burn and caldron bubble.” 

While these scientists have achieved success in bringing various inanimate and deceased things to life, they are still working out some kinks. “It is unclear if the behavioral traits of these newly animated beings are due to the object we imbue the lifeforce into or the original source of the lifeforce,” noted one of the leaked documents. “We wanted to resurrect Theseus to ask him about his ship, but his whereabouts were nowhere in our database.”  

Due to the storage conditions, all the lifeforce has been mixed and stored together, so further experiments are needed to parse out these findings to proceed safely. 

A group of administrators, speaking at a conference while dressed in dark cloaks and sporting suspiciously unkempt fingernails, denied any wrongdoing or concerns regarding these experiments, but they claimed they are actively investigating the source of the document leak. Students, meanwhile, state they had a strong suspicion that the university was “sucking the life out of [them],” and feel that the closure of knowing that it was not just in their heads is “somewhat relieving.”