The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Amidst an epidemic of fires raging in the northeasternmost and other parts of the city, a representative from one of the many special offices in Mayor Parker’s administration recently announced a new initiative to begin fighting the fires with fire. 

“Starting today, we will begin retrofitting certain fire engines in and around the affected parts of the city with flamethrowers to better combat the growing fire problem. Mayor Parker has pledged to eradicate the epidemic at its source, and by reducing the homes at the hearts of the fires to ash, we intend to do just that. Plus, it will look really, really cool,” the spokesman said. 

The move comes following steep cuts to the neighborhoods’ fire prevention allocations in Mayor Parker’s latest budget proposal. The mayor’s office previously expressed concerns that the city’s spending on resources like water and personnel to fight the flames was merely encouraging the outbreak of more fires. Meanwhile, residents and local firefighters have widely criticized the move, and public health  officials warn that the new policy may lead to an increase in burn and smoke inhalation injuries by as much as 50%. Mayor Parker’s office could not be reached for additional comment, and sources say that members of the special office were last seen sourcing gasoline, diesel and Everclear to ignite the new initiative.