The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—“And just like that, I forgot what tree I belonged in,” concluded Frank Coughka, an MS1 at SKMC. He was the fourth person to be interviewed by the authorities regarding a missing person’s report for the Student Learning societies, which have been missing for over 8 months. If you ask most people now, they couldn’t tell you what happened to their “Hogwarts House”-esque society. What started as a way to meet friends from your class and watch donut-eating competitions quickly faded like the knowledge of autoimmune hepatitis from your average MS3.  

“SPRUCE GANG RISE UP”, exclaimed lead investigator Dick Wolf when we requested a comment on the search. “We need to start with the simple things – what happened to the points system? We knew that a few Walnut Society fanatics were trying to steal the non-existent currency for the fabled food truck reward. But other than that, we don’t have much to go on in terms of leads. As a matter of fact, the only worthwhile thing was the coat of arms made for the societies. Shoutout to Sandy.” 

When asked to comment on the search efforts, the student affairs deans politely sent us a link to schedule a Xoom meeting, assuredly concluding: “We are pouring all our efforts into the search. We’ve looked up and down every arboreal street between Pine and Cherry, and we haven’t turned up anything so far, but we will find your Learning Societies.”