PHILADELPHIA, PA—What would you do for a free lunch? And is it really free if you are facing up to 25 years of hard time? In a groundbreaking trial, Philadelphian and Jefferson student Finn Tutuola is in court today for 7 counts of a brand-new charge, “Food Grand Larceny.” The charge comes after a controversial new law was passed following hundreds of student organization complaints about the awkwardness of passers-by and classmates snagging a pizza slice and faking interest for a few seconds before disappearing from their event without a trace.
“Yeah, it’s pretty annoying, but I get it man. In fact, I‘ve recently resorted to regularly microwaving potatoes for lunch myself”, said a member of the Student Neurology Interest Group. An executive from the Honor society was less understanding: “He not only took half a pizza, but he took an empty box, a bag of paper plates, and watermelon rinds! The rind! I don’t want to see him at an event again.” Clearly, this has heated up even more than the Drake and Kendrick beef.
The authorities have stated they are currently investigating several other persons of interest. They have begun planting undercover agents at various student events, so be careful which event you decide to crash for a free slice and a quick escape. There truly is no such thing as a free lunch.
The Humerus Daily 
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