The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—The least interesting presidential primary cycle in recent memory experienced something of a shakeup yesterday, as Philadelphia Flyers mascot and permanent occupant of your nightmares, Gritty, tossed his furry hat into the ring, launching a bid to become President. President Biden’s newest challenger immediately became the second most orange candidate in the race, as well as the youngest. In a press release, the mascot promised to make life easier for the average American if elected and outlined a four-point plan that included replacing Congress with Travis Konecny bobbleheads and devouring the souls of all who oppose him.

Gritty currently sits a distant third in most polling aggregates, but campaign representatives pointed to the orange abomination’s low unfavorable ratings and outsider status as reasons for optimism.

“We think that Gritty’s haunting eyes and vacant stare will truly resonate with voters this election cycle as they navigate their day-to-day dystopian hellscape. When push comes to shove, people are always looking for a change, and a Gritty administration promises to bring that change, for better or, more likely, for worse,” one campaign spokesperson explained.

Neither the Biden nor the Trump campaigns could be reached for comment. As of press time, Gritty was reportedly last seen gearing up for the campaign trail by hiding in a dark alley and jumping out to startle passersby.