The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—“Man, how about that weather, am I right?” the physician declared, not bothering to wait for a response before strolling to the sink, washing his hands, and fumbling with gloves suited more for the Jolly Green Giant than a mere human. “My name is Dr. Parent, pronounced like the Flyers goalie, and I’ll be part of your care team today. Why don’t you tell me what brings you in?” 

Naturally, neither the dozing mother nor the hours-old infant had the capacity to answer. If they could, it’s likely they would have been somewhat perplexed as to why the mother’s husband was acting like a complete and total stranger, addressing the baby as he would a routine patient rather than his newborn son, and why his scrub bottoms were a different shade of green from his tops. The man, Dr. David Parent, an OB/GYN resident who was nearing the end of another 24-hour shift in which he was paid less hourly than the neighbor kid who shoveled his grandparents’ driveway last winter, later struggled to provide a coherent explanation for his behavior. 

“I don’t know, my last Celsius stopped helping, and I was just operating off muscle memory. I think I also asked their pronouns. Also, I hadn’t done laundry in a week,” he confessed. When asked if he had considered what to name the child, Dr. Parent responded, “My wife didn’t approve of ‘Labia Majora’ and I couldn’t think of anything else before I got called in, so I guess she got to choose. I hope she picked something easy to make a mnemonic out of.” 

The new father further claimed to relish the challenge of balancing parenthood with his other obligations. His wife, meanwhile, refused to comment, and representatives from her legal counsel reported that no comment would be available until divorce proceedings are finalized.