PHILADELPHIA, PA—In a literally groundbreaking announcement last week, Sixers ownership revealed an audacious plan to erect a multipurpose arena on the grounds currently occupied by Independence Hall. This announcement follows recent controversy over the group’s previous plans to build adjacent to Chinatown and signals a departure from the complex’s current location, the parking lot hellscape near FDR park.
When questioned about the relocation strategy, one Sixers spokesperson responded that “The team feels that no place captures the heart and soul of the city quite like Independence Hall, which is precisely why we’d like to demolish it and replace it with a loud, bustling arena that severely disrupts traffic flow everywhere within a half-mile radius, just as Ben Franklin envisioned.”
Team officials, seemingly unfazed by the logistical nightmare of constructing on top of a national park, have listed several alternate sites should their newest proposal be shot down, including City Hall, Reading Terminal Market, and the 45th floor of Liberty Place. As of press time, members of the ownership group had yet to begin soliciting public opinion on the project, and were instead spotted riding the bull at Xfinity Live.
The Humerus Daily 
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