The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Absolutely nothing interesting took place Monday after a Jefferson occupational therapy student under the handle @haterade13 spent the previous night authoring a flurry of social media posts in an apparent personal crusade against pop icon Taylor Swift. The posts, primarily shared on the platform now inexplicably known as X, criticized Swift for a slew of perceived slights, including her “boring and overrated discography,” her relationship with “fantasy football letdown Travis Kelce,” and her failure to “give Scooter his flowers.” 

The student, since identified as Ankye East, was met with a startling lack of outcry following his social media activities. He reported that he was accosted neither in person nor online by hordes of vengeful Swifties, and that his day went by mostly unperturbed. “Yeah, I got some Corn Flakes stuck in my teeth at breakfast, but other than that, nothing really happened,” East said. He further noted that the strongest reaction to the posts was his own disappointment in his followers, including @strongboy420, @your_mum69 and @haterade12, who failed to muster even a single retweet of the post. 

Swift’s PR team could not be reached for comment, and no representatives of her fandom were even aware of the posts. As of press time, East was last seen preparing a similar literary offensive against BTS.