The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA – As the sun sets on the Philadelphia racquet club courts, 68-year-old Joseph Schmoe speaks to our health science correspondent: “I don’t know when it got so bad. Last week I was at my doctor’s office, and he told me that I’ve been diagnosed with Consumptive Obsessive Pickleball Disease.” Schmoe, it appears, is not alone in his condition; COPD is on the rise, spreading throughout the neighborhoods of metropolitan cities all over the United States, including Philadelphia.  

But it wasn’t always like this; once considered just another benign summer camp activity for 8^th graders, pickleball has begun to malignantly sweep across aging America in the last few years. The onset of COPD appears to start with a friend bringing paddles to the tennis court, suggesting it is a cooler version of tennis, especially for the range-of-motion-impaired. “At first it was great! I could play with my wife, my grandkids, and even the fellas in the racquet club. Eventually I would play in the mornings before breakfast, after lunch at noon, and sometimes we’ll play one or two times in the evenings. I should’ve known there was a problem when I began taping the racquet to my forearm to get my fix.”  

Dr. Michael Mann explains to us that it’s not just Picklebow (pickle ball elbow) that seniors have to worry about. “The psychological manifestations of COPD present with a pathological obsession with pickleball. The afflicted spend as much time as they can on the court and can’t seem to put the paddle down off it. As the disease progresses, they then begin to develop psychotic features, the hallmark of which is delusions that it’s as difficult and respectable as tennis. Some really believe they are now professional athletes.”  

The United States Surgeon General held a press conference on Tuesday to officially designate pickleball as a public health crisis. With almost 9 million players in America, efforts to educate people on the potential threat that pickleball poses, officials hope, will flatten the curve. This comes after the World Health Organization (WHO) pledged $25 million USD to begin efforts to diagnose COPD using advanced genomics technology.  

As for Schmoe, last seen attempting to enter the extremely and unbelievably real Professional Pickleball Association, only time will tell if interventions at the individual, national and global levels will help him manage, or if he will be left in a pickle.