The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA—Second-year SKMC students were shocked and outraged this afternoon following an announcement that their Block 7 written exam would be postponed due to inclement weather. The announcement came after several hours of tense hand-wringing over university policies and procedures, and was met with several more hours of tense hand-wringing over deadlines and other commitments, as well as a lively assortment of memes, in the class of 2026 GroupMe. 

“Now instead of feeling guilty about not studying for STEP this weekend, I have to feel guilty about not studying for STEP and neuro! This sucks!” said one student, who spoke on the condition of anonymity. When asked to elaborate on their weekend plans, the student replied, “Probably a good bit of crying, honestly. Maybe some fetal position thrown in there. I’ve really improved my form these last few months.” 

The student was likely not alone in their existential dread, which appeared to prompt local officials to spring into action. Shortly following the exam’s postponement, representatives from the city put into motion an operation to collect the students’ tears so that they could be refined and used to brine the streets in anticipation of the storm. 

“We’ve actually been preparing for this for years,” said one anonymous PennDOT employee who was spotted placing an oversized funnel with a large bucket underneath outside a student’s window. “What are we gonna do? Let the tears go to waste? Not in this economy.” 

University and city officials could not be reached for comment. The anonymous second-year student, meanwhile, was last seen napping in Scott Memorial Library on top of a textbook page outlining the innervation of the lacrimal gland.