Multiple Secret Service agents have received prophylactic rabies shots after being bitten by President Joe Biden on Thursday. The incident comes following the recent dismissal of German Shepherds Commander and Major; the once-beloved stay-at-home pets could not handle the pressure of the presidency. President Biden was in obvious distress upon hearing the news. Eyewitnesses claim he began to whimper and paw at his face before whipping around and chomping down on the nearest Secret Service agent’s arm.
One anonymous source stated, “it was like something took over his body! His eyes glazed over, he bared his dentures, and then he latched on and wouldn’t let go!” President Biden was seen grimacing and growling as the security guard tried to shake him off in a game of tug-of-war. One secret service agent was heard sighing, “Not again…” The altercation ended when the President’s denture glue failed and he fell away, leaving his teeth embedded in his victim. Luckily for those affected, President Biden’s jaw muscles are not as strong as the whitening agents he uses, and no permanent damage was done.
Secret Service has assured reporters that the President will be kept on a short leash for the time being. His current status is unclear, as he was last seen on the upper balcony of the White House, wagging his finger and growling at the mail carrier.
The Humerus Daily 
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