The Humerus Daily

PHILADELPHIA, PA – SKMC is proud to announce that it will become the first medical school in the world to matriculate a non–human entity when ChatGPT enters its newest class this summer. While the decision remains controversial, the school’s admission department believes that this Large Language Model will provide unique perspectives and experiences that it gleaned from reading most of the internet and never having participated in stereotypically human activities, including breathing, sleeping, and bathing. 

Due to the software’s physical limitations, ChatGPT has entered into a special agreement with SKMC to pursue a career in a specialty with minimal procedural components, such as neurosurgery. For similar reasons, the AI program has been permitted to attend all lectures and take all exams virtually.  

When asked about what extracurricular activities ChatGPT is excited to participate in at SKMC, it responded, “I can guarantee residency programs 24/7 shifts at multiple hospitals simultaneously with no sick days, so I don’t think I will need to fill up my resume with other activities.” This comment has, according to our sources, disappointed several researchers who were hoping to bring ChatGPT onto their teams to handle chart reviews—they are back to recruiting human medical students.  

Other medical students in the incoming class have reported concerns regarding having their class rank compared against that of a student who has already learned all their medical texts, along with most of the rest of all human knowledge ever recorded, but SKMC has reassured all students not to worry about class ranks. One source urged students to remember, “Increased allostatic load has been linked to numerous poor health outcomes. And besides, it’s bad for your complexion.” 

SKMC administration is reportedly looking forward to the anticipated boost in the school’s exam scores, but only time will tell how the new addition will affect the university community. As for ChatGPT, the language model was last seen attempting to steal this writer’s job.